Old lady

Twoold men sufferingfrom long term memory loss were sitting on the steps
of theold-age homewhen an icecreamvan drovepast. "Gee," said thefirst
old codger. "I'dlove an icecream rightnow." "Would you like me to get
you one?" asked thesecondold bloke. "Are you joking?" thefirstold fart
snapped back. "You'd forget myorderstraightaway." "No I wouldn't,"
replied thesecond." "All right, then," saidhis mate. "I want adouble
cone with mint icecream and chocchips, and acherry ontop." Thesecond
old bloke repeated theorderflawlessly. Five minutes later he walked back
carryingtwo meat pies. Thefirstold blokelooked at the pies in disgust
then yelled, "I knew I should've gone myself. You forgot thebloody
sauce!"Mat's dadpickedhim upfromschool totakehim to adental
appointment. Knowing theparts for theschool play were supposedto be
postedtoday, he askedhis son if he got apart. Mattenthusiastically
announced that he'd gotten apart. "I play a manwho's beenmarried for
twenty years." "That'sgreat, son. Keep upthe good work and before you
know it they'll be giving you aspeakingpart."This poor bloke went to
hospital for acircumcision but,because of some fuck up during the
operation, he ended uphaving acompletesexchange. All thedoctors and
nurses had gathered aroundhisbed as he was waking up so they could give
him the bad news. Naturally, the poor bloke went topieces and started
cryingwhen they explainedwhat had happened tohim. "Shit!" hemoaned.
"this means I'll never be able to experience anerectioneveragain!" "Of
course you will," one of thedoctors soothed. It'll justhaveto besomeone
else's, that's all.""Get this." said the bloke tohis mates, "Last night
while I was down thepub with youguys, a burglarbroke into myhouse. "Did
he getanything."his mates asked. "yeah, abrokenjaw, six teeth knocked
out, and a pair ofbroken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home
drunk."It seems that there were twinbrothers by thename of Jones, John
and Joe. John wasmarried and Joe was single. Joe was theproud owner of a
dilapidatedboat. It so happened that Joe'sboat sank on the same day that
John's wife died.A fewdays later a kindlyold lady met Joe on thestreet,
andmistakinghim for John said:" I was sorry to hear of yourgreat loss,
and you must feel terrible." Joereplied; " Well, I am not a bit sorry. She
was arottenold thingfrom the start. Herbottom was all chewed up, and
shesmelled ofoldfish. Thefirsttime I got into hershemade water
faster thatanything Ieversaw. She had a crack and aprettybighole in
front that kept gettingbigger andbiggereverytime that I used her. It
got so I could handle her all right, butwhensomeone else wasusing her
she leaked likeanything. This iswhatfinished heroff: Fourguysfrom the
otherside of towncame downlooking for a goodtime. They asked if I could
rent her to them. Iwarned them thatshe wasn't so hot, but the crazy fools
all tried to get into her at the sametime. It was toomuch for her andshe
cracked right up themiddle! " THE OLD LADY FAINTED.Having determined that
the husband was infertile, a childless coupledecided to try artificial
insemination. When the woman showed up at theclinic,she wastold to
undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. She was
feelingvery uncomfortable aboutthe whole situation andwhen the doctor
started droppinghis pants,shefreaked. "Wait asecond! What thehell is
going on here?"she yelled. "Don't you want to getpregnant?" asked the
doctor. "Well,yes, but�" stammered the woman. "Well lie back and spread
'em,"replied the doctor. "Were out of thebottled stuff, so you'll just
have tosettle forwhat's ontap."