Assorted

A young couple, on thebrink of divorce, visits amarriage counsellor. The
counsellor asks the wife, "What�s theproblem?" She responds, "My husband
suffersfrompremature ejaculation." The counsellor turns to her husband
and inquires, "Is that true?" The husbandreplies, "Well not exactly,she's
the one that suffers, not me."An elderly man goes into abrothel and tells
themadam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised,shelooks at
the ancient man and asks howold he is. "I'm 90 yearsold," he says. "90!"
replies the woman. "Don't yourealize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the
old man, "howmuch do I owe you?""I can'tfind a cause for yourillness,"
the doctor said. "Frankly, Ithink it's due to drinking." "In thatcase,"
repliedhis patient, "I'll come backwhen you are sober."After 40 years as
a gynaecologist, Johndecided he had enough money to retire andtake uphis
reallove, auto mechanics. He lefthispractice, enrolled in auto mechanics
school, and studied hard. The day of thefinal examcame and John worried
if he would be able tocomplete thetest with the sameproficiency ashis
youngerclassmates. Most of the studentscompleted their exam intwo hours.
John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following
day, John wasdelighted and surprised to see ascore of 150% forhis exam.
John spoke tohisprofessor afterclass. "I neverdreamed I could do this
well onthe exam. How did I earn ascore of 150%?" Theprofessorreplied,
"I gave you 50% forperfectly disassembling the carengine. I awarded
another 50% forperfectly reassembling theengine. I gave you anadditional
50% forhaving done all of it through the muffler."Two youngboys walked
into a pharmacyone day,picked out abox of Tampax andproceeded to the
checkout counter. The man at the counter asked theolder boy, "Son, howold
are you?" "Eight," the boyreplied. The mancontinued, "Do you know how
these are used?" The boyreplied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me.
They are for mybrother�he's four. Wesaw on TV that if you use these you
would be able to swim and ride abike. He can't do either one."The
ambitiouscoach of a girlstrack team gives thesquad steroids. The team�s
performancesoars. They win the county andstate championship untilone day
they arefavoured to winnationals easily. Penelope, a 16-year-oldhurdler
visits hercoach and says, "Coach, Ihave aproblem. Hair is starting to
grow on my chest." "What?" thecoach says in a panic, "How far downdoes it
go?" Shereplies, "Down to mytesticles. That'ssomething else I want to
talk to you about."In amentalinstitution a nurse walks into a room and
sees a patientacting like he's driving a car. The nurse askshim,
"Charlie,what are you doing?" Charliereplied, "Driving to Chicago!" The
nursewisheshim a good trip and leaves the room. Thenext day the nurse
enters Charlie's room just as he stops drivinghis imaginary car and asks,
"Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."
"Great,"replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goesacross
thehall into Bob's room, andfinds Bob sitting onhisbed furiously
pleasuringhimself. Shocked,she asks, "Bob,what are you doing?" Bob says,
"I'mscrewing Charlie's wifewhile he's in Chicago!"